Tag Archives: motivation

Bye Holidays

29 Dec

I am fairly excited to be through with the holidays.
I am only a festive-ish person now because of my son.

I spent Christmas sick, but that is okay. My son was so stoked about opening presents that it did not matter if I had the sniffles or not. Something about his smiling face as he unwrapped his gifts eased my upset tummy. (:
After gifts, I watched the basketball games on ABC. This is my only real Christmas tradition. Seriously, I would not even have a tree if it was not for my son. I am just a weirdo like that.

My training is going well. I have had to run sick, in the rain, and stuffed with cranberry jello salad. I wrapped up week 5 day 6’s run today. I’m so thrilled to be injury free and running the way I was prior to the PF issues that plagued me throughout the summer. Tomorrow is my first double-digit run since July. I love 10-12 mile runs!

I am almost done with Stage 2 of New Rules of Lifting for Women. Lifting is becoming harder to fit in as my mileage increases. I just become pooped and I would rather run than lift. I love to lift but running comes first!!

Speaking of my training, I was looking ahead to January’s schedule and YIKES! Stage 3 certainly qualifies as BEAST MODE and towards the end of the month I will run FOURTEEN MILES! I know I know….14 miles is nothing if I want to run a marathon, but I have never ran more than a half (13.10) so I am scared and excited about that extra 9/10 of a mile.

Since I am obviously going to enter beast mode in 2013, I have started to focus on my eating. I have not binged in, at least, a week now. Once all the family has cleared out the first week of Jan, I have collected some recipes I want to try out. I am going to make a healthy eggplant dish, my own protein bars, and some veggie lasagna. I really want to eat as clean as possible and do a bi-monthly cheat meal.

So i’m alive and haven’t quit my blog. I was just sick and wrapped up in all that is Christmas.
How was y’alls holiday? Get an amazing presents?? (:

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That “Little Voice”

9 Dec

I cannot remember exactly when that little voice in the back of my head sprang to life and started talking to me, but I do know it has been a dominate force in my life for years and that it developed sometime long ago when I was a pre-teen. The little voice is that terrible narrator in your head telling you rotten statements that are not true. My little voice has always said things like:

you are not good enough
they do not like/love you
you are ugly, stupid, and fat.
you will never become anything.
you will never be important.
you, ultimately, do not matter.

Looking back on my childhood (because is that not where most of our little voices develop those strong vocal chords), I see a connection between my little voice and my mother. My mother has suffered from OCD, anorexia, and serve anxiety for years. The anorexia started when she was a teenager; the other two developed more and more as she became an adult.

I first started noticing my mother’s problems with herself when I was eleven. She would stare at herself for ten to thirty minutes multiples time a day in the mirror in my bedroom. My closet doors were mirrors. I loved dancing in front of them pretending I was Baby Spice, but my mother used them to pick herself apart.

How much older than your father do I look?
I am getting chunky.
Wow, I look haggard.
I am ugly.

She would ask me questions that, as a young girl, I thought were weird. My mom has always been beautiful. Even if she was not my mom, I would think that. She confused me. Why did she not see what I saw?

Hearing my mother’s negative self-talk made me start to look at myself more critically. Where the kids at school right? I was tall, pale, and overweight. I did not really focus on this anymore. I was no longer being teased. I had friends now. I was happy. Or was it all a lie? My mom’s self-hate was contagious. The voice was probably born sometime around here when I was between eleven and twelve.

When my mom would stop eating, I wanted to lose weight her. I wanted boys at school to look at me the way grown men looked at her. When I was between thirteen and fifteen, my mother and I went through an ugly time together. We spent a lot of time eating lettuce and drinking Slim Fast. We were unhappy and constantly telling each other just how shitty we found ourselves to be.

I also picked up on her perfectionist qualities. Anything below an A in school (with the exception of math) was disgusting. I was not going to hold myself to the slacker standards of my peers. I struggled some nights between all my honors/AP classes and extra-curricular activities. I wanted to be fresh and creative to teachers regardless of how long I had to spend on the assignment.

The thing about the voice is: I never was able to make myself happy. No grade was good enough. No compliment was true. No report card filled me with pride. No matter what I did. I was not enough. I always had to be better….but I never actually thought I was better.

Same as my mother, I hit a point when nothing mattered anymore. I graduated and decided to not go to college. I worked for a fast food place instead. I consigned myself to eating and working for barely over minimum wage. I hated myself and wanted to torture myself because I thought living that way was what I deserved.

For almost three years, I have been working on accepting myself. I came out of a major depression and have slowly started to work on things, like that little voice.

Having a child of my own has been a big part of why I want to fix my real flaw. It will not matter if i’m fat, skinny, average, beautiful, or ugly. What will affect my son is how I feel about myself and what I do with my life. I do not want to teach him insecurities and self-hate.

As I approach the end of my first full semester of community college, I am proud. I do not have straight As and, for once, I am alright with that. I worked hard for a steady 3.5, but I did not let the pressure of school, my family, and the little voice get to me. Yes, I had days that I felt like a moron. There were also days I told myself to drop all of my classes because I would never be able to obtain a degree. However, I was able to ignore those thoughts. I was able to push through and, for the first time in maybe…ever, I feel proud of myself. Long ago, I let the voice dominate me. Now I know that even though I will never be perfect, I can still be the most amazing me. (and it may sound cheesy but it’s a big step for me!)

Daily Fit Thought #14

7 Dec

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Tonight’s daily fit thought is about dreams.
Do you ever lay in bed at night and imagine the things you want to do? Do you then scoff at those dreams and tell yourself to be sensible? We all have at some point, but we should not.

What is the point of life without dreams? All of our goals develop from a dream, don’t they?

I used to dream of being able to run. I would see those people running on the sidewalk. They looked happy and free. I would gaze out at them from the passenger seat of my mom’s mini-van and later on from the driver’s seat of my first car while stopped at a red light. One day, I decided to make that dream come turn. I dusted off the treadmill in the back of the garage, hopped on it, and started running. I remember that my lungs burned before I even hit half a mile. I had a side stitch by three-fourths of a mile, and I was damn near collapsing after the first mile. Instead of giving up, my dreamed expanded: I wanted to run a 5k. My first 5k, on a treadmill, took me forty-four minutes to complete. A few months later, I ran my first 5k and I completed it in thirty-one minutes. By the end of that year, I ran a half marathon. Now, I am training to run the LA Marathon in March. I never stop dreaming. I never let fear stop my dreams from becoming bigger.

Dream, dream big.

Die Hard: As in Old Habits, Not the Movies.

30 Nov

There are no memes, no attempts at jokes, nothing smiley or funny about this post tonight. I am worried. I am starting to see some habits developing again and I am desperately trying to stop them. I want to be done with some of my undesirable behaviors. I want to be physically and mentally happy.

Whenever I start to feel out of control, I grasp to something and become obsessed with it. When I was younger, it was school. When I was a teenager, it was writing and self-mutilation .When I was between 16-18, it was my first job. Then, I went a couple of years filling the void and trying to fix my lack of control in ways that I do not want to talk about at this time.  When I started my healthy lifestyle change, I slowly discovered a new way to feel in control: exercise.

I had used cycles of purging and starving in the past to feel in control, but I had never really seen exercise as something I could take control of. The summer of last year changed that for me. I had put some weight back on after a car accident. I had problems with my left knee all spring. I felt broken, but it all changed in the summer. I started to go to the gym. Then, I progressed to running to the gym and then doing an hour of cardio at the gym. Then, I started running to the gym and doing almost two hours of cardio (and some strength training) only to run back home. I was a mad woman, but I loved it. I thought I was in control of my body. I was able to eat minimal amounts and exercise away my pains, fears, and uncertainty. The added attention from people noticing my changing body helped me feel better also.

This week I have worked out harder than I should have. I did more cardio and did not eat enough. I am looking back at my food log (via MyFitnessPal) and see the biggest deficits I have seen since January. I had to stop myself from doing more cardio today. I did an hour Tuesday and an hour Wednesday. Each of those days, I also did New Rules of Lifting for Women. Today, I did New Rules again and immediately went to the cardio section to hop on the Arc trainer. Since my son did not come with me to the gym, I did not have a two hour maximum to abide by. After twenty minutes, I recognized the need building inside of me. I wanted to do an hour of the Arc and then do some intervals on either the crossramp or the stairclimber, even though I was already sore and tired. I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it. I can do all that cardio. Fuck those people who stole my running shoes. Fuck my husband’s jokes. Fuck my grandmother mocking what I choose to eat. But after thirty-seven minutes on the Arc trainer, I pried myself off of it. I could barely walk from three hard workout days in a row.

Realizing these old patterns re-emerging made me start to look at my life right now. What is making me feel so out of control? What is making me feel so empty? I need to take a step back. I need to look at the thing going on in my life right now. I need to focus on what is upsetting me instead of finding another way to cover it up.

I need to keep trying to grow and become healthy in my head and heart. Not just around my waistline.

Slip-On Sneakers at the Gym

28 Nov

I’d apply at that place!

After a weekend of not running or going to the gym, my workout today (technically yesterday) was very needed.

I am reaching the end of Stage 1 of New Rules of Lifting for Women. I will be sad to go on to Stage 2. I am currently OBSESSED with back squats. I may just add those into the workout somehow. Anyway, here was my workout today.

Back squats: 1×8 @ 115lbs, 2×8 @ 125lbs
Push Ups: 3×8 on an aerobic step with 1 pair of risers
Dumbbell Bent Over Rows: 3×8 @ 25lbs
Step Ups: 3×8 on an aerobic step with 3 pairs of risers w/ 22.5lbs (per dumbbell)
Prone Jackknife: 1×10, 2×12

Cardio was weird today. I love to run. I spent all of my childhood hating running. I dreaded the mile in gym. I always got side stitches and my legs felt like lead. Last year, something changed inside me. I slowly started running and now I love it. I am psycho about trying to protect my knees though. I have only one pair of shoes right now and they are a pair of blue slip-on sneakers. I picked them up at Target one day for twelve bucks. These are not the type of shoes I would run in. I felt like a dork in the gym today. I kept looking down at my feet wondering if I looked like a super gymrat because nothing stops me from working out or if I looked like a fitness nOOb who doesn’t even get the right shoes to workout in. Either way, I did what I needed to do! I decided to do twenty minutes on the stairclimber and then do half an hour on the elliptical. I worked up a nice sweat.

One thing I did notice at the gym today was that I could not keep my eyes off of myself. My confidence is raising. I see a strong sexy lady when I look in the gym mirrors now. I no longer see a girl that always felt physically weak. I see a woman with a barbell across her shoulders squatting ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE POUNDS! I have made such a giant transformation. Today, it was hard to stop looking and myself with pride. I hate to go on about myself like that, but it is a big deal for me. I’m sure i’ll divulge into that more later.

In other news, we have a cute little Minnie Mouse themed Christmas tree up. We decided to be those people this year, haha. A tree up before it is even December. It is hard not to be excited when you have an thirty-four month old bouncing around with a smile on his face constantly babbling about Christmas. I am more excited about December 14th though. Fall semester will be over!!

I will try to catch up on blog reading (and posting) but I am now in finals week so…..anything that does not involve my son, school, or working out…..EEEEK….do not know if I will have time!

In the spirit of finals (and trying not to stress myself out about if I am or am not getting straight As):

Mmmm……I believe in you too ;p

Learning to Modify

21 Nov

I took a rest day today. Hubs is having some issues and I decided to take him out today. I know he has been so exhausted working overnight shifts the past month, so I was hoping a little day date would cheer him up.

We went to a hamburger restaurant that he really likes, Red Robin. Usually when I go there I kick the idea of healthy eating out of my mind. I slide in that plastic booth and prepare to eat my heart out. However, since I was rocking my size 10 skinny jeans (with no muffin top at all!!), I decided that I should maybe try that modification thing I hear so many talk about.

Yep, that is about 700 calories of pure fat and refined carbs, YUM.

Instead of getting my usual chicken sandwich, I made it a healthier version of what is pictured above. I took of the bun in substitute of a lettuce wrap, cut out the mayo, and said no cheese please. Taking off those three items made a calorie splurge into a decent choice. The sandwich became 330 calories, 10g of fat, 25g of carbs, and 32g of protein. I topped that off with a side salad, hold the dressing, and I had one decent meal. I really need to learn how to modify more. The sandwich was still awesome tasting and I did not have to feel guilty after eating it. Haha.

Speaking of worrying, I am worried about tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner. I spoke to my grandmother about modifying some of the side dishes and such so it would not be such a blow to my efforts. I like sweet potatoes, so let’s do that instead of candied yams. How about just cranberry slices instead of the cranberry salad? How about making a healthier homemade pumpkin pie instead of buying a giant one at Costco? How about wheat rolls (or preferably no rolls at all) instead of white rolls? She agree a month ago to all of this. Then, last night she came home with 4 packs of white rolls, 2 bags of marshmallows, and a humongous pumpkin pie from Costco. This really disappoints me. I am very anal about what my son eats, my hubs will not eat anything other than the turkey anyway (because he is picky), and she just picks at food. This leaves a load of leftovers for who? Oh yeah, me. Not thrilled at all……I have decided not to help her cook. These are not the meals we agreed to. These are not the items I agree to cooking. If she initially had a problem with the meal plan I had discussed, it would have been nice of her to say so. Oh well, I will figure something out. I did give myself a rest day today and will be working out for 2-3 hours tomorrow. I have double training so….that should keep me away from all that terrible food for a while.

I know that sounds like ED in full swing. I just have had a hard time maintaining control this year and I do not want to slip up. Like my new challenge said, I am going to love myself and respect my needs. I do not want marshmallows and I have a right to not eat them.
I’m sorry if I sound whiny and spoiled. Lately, I have just felt a lack of support at home and it is really getting to me. I hope my readers in America have a great Holiday and for my readers not in the states have a great day too. (:

Gym Rant: The Squat Rack Dudes

20 Nov

Because doing homework and being caught up for the holiday break is for lame people, I have decided to procrastinate and blog about my current pet peeve: the squat rack users at the gym.

I just found the perfect meme to start this rant off. Internet score.

This was me earlier at the gym. Seriously.

I have had a gym membership now for about a month. I love my new gym. The 24 Hour Fitness Super Sport I go to has three squat racks. Now, as a girl who likes to lift weights I need the squat rack. I have a heavy amount of weight I am squatting, lunging, deadlifting, blahblah-ing, but I cannot lift it over my head. I love the ability to duck under the bar, get situated, and pump some iron.

Since I have had this membership, I seem to go around the same time every day. I am a 12:30-3:30 frequenter of the gym and so are the world’s most annoying weight room men. The same five guys seem to be in the weight room with me when I am lifting and they have the worst freaking habits in the world. (These habits concern the squat rack. All of the terrible habits seem to revolve around the squat rack.)

The first most annoying thing these dudes do at the gym is placing their towels on machines that they are not using. I get that the squat rack is important. I love to use it myself, but if you are done or moving on to another machine for a bit REMOVE YOUR TOWEL SO I CAN WORKOUT! I am very methodical when I am in the gym. I group all my workouts according to areas. I do the squat rack needed moves first (because it is a busy machine), then I go to the free weights area to finish up whatever is floor work/dumbbell work. I have a plan. I have a method. It makes sense. This leads into my second issue.

You cannot use two or three bars on your ONE squat rack. Today, when I was at the gym, I spotted an open squat rack. I raced over with a smile upon my face. How lucky was I? A squat rack open and waiting for me. As fast as my smile appeared, it disappeared when I realized that there was no bar on the rack. Confusion racked my brain. I scan the gym for the bar that I so desperately needed. Quickly I spot the bar I need on the rack next to me. This dude had three bars on the squat rack he was using. He had a monopoly on all of the squat rack bars. Apparently, he was the only person in the whole gym that used bars when he worked out. Worst part of it, HE WAS NOT EVEN USING THE SQUAT RACK OR ANY OF THE BARS! Needless to say, I walked up to the machine he was working on and told him to give me one of his bars.

My final pet peeve with these dudes is how they are constantly trying to “help” me. This may not completely be about the squat rack, but it is annoying nonetheless. Almost every time I start to place weights on my bar, one of the dudes come up to me and ask me if I need help. “Hey, that looks heavy….do you need some help?” Clearly. Y’all have seen me here how many days now and you still believe I need your help? Take a cold shower and piss off. K?Thnx(:

Good thing I am not lifting tomorrow. Haha.

Do y’all have any gym pet peeves?