Tag Archives: meme

Small Steps

16 Dec

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I drag my exhausted body into the house. Looking around the disheveled living room, I shake my head and sink into the nearest chair. I feel the anxiety in my chest rising. My heart is starting to race. I can hear an echo in my ears. I can feel a lump in my throat.
I am thinking about the next few days. The stress of the upcoming holidays. The waiting. I am always waiting for something better. My mouth becomes dry. I stand up and pace. My mind locks on to one thought. I look over at my husband and he already knows what is happening.

Fifteen minutes later, I slowly unwrap the brown greasy bag. I take out a item that is less like food and more like a drug. I shovel it in my mouth. There really is no taste. I am not eating this for the taste; I am eating this for the fix, the high, the ability to focus on something else.
The bag is empty. My hands shine with grease and my face shines with guilt. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed. My chest seems to be pounding again. My mouth hangs half open. How do I let things get to this?

After a binge, I want to restrict. I want to purge. I want to feel clean again. Or…I keep bingeing. I temporarily give up on myself.
Friday was difficult. I wanted to run more than the 3 miles my training required. I wanted to head to the gym. I wanted to eat only 900 calories. I tried to push these thoughts away. Restricting will only lead to a binge. Bineging more will just make me feel worse.

I was able to moderately eat and only do my training run. I was proud. I came out on the other side of a binge. I did not slide downhill for a few days, nor did I starve myself for a few days.

Yesterday, I ran my week 3 long run. I did 7.05 miles in 69 minutes. I was able to enjoy a cupcake, guilt-free, afterwards. I am trying to not let stress control my eating habits, but it is easier said than done. I have been focusing for almost three-years on fixing myself, but I do know a lot of it is mental. I eat to relieve the stress I feel over things I feel I cannot control. I eat to relieve myself of the obscene standards I place upon myself. I eat when I fail….or when I think I have failed.

Point of this post: this is one of the first times I can remember NOT letting one binge control me and alter my next few days or weeks. Progress is progress. I have to remember to be proud of the small things.

I add memes to lighten up a serious sounding post...

I add memes to lighten up a serious sounding post…

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A Spoonful of Magic Helps the Anxiety Go Down….No, Not Really.

12 Dec
Even at 23, I run up to my favorite characters....

Even at 23, I run up to my favorite characters….

The interview at Disneyland is tomorrow and my anxiety levels are a peak. I have been wigging out now for about a week.

 

Last week, Tuesday to be exact, I came home from an invigorating run and my husband told me Fresh & Easy Neighborhood Market might go out of business between March and April.

Seriously, this meme does not even begin to cover it.

Seriously, this meme does not even begin to cover it.

First of all, I LOVE FRESH AND EASY. Words cannot even begin to make y’all understand how much I truly need Fresh and Easy in my life. I think Trader Joe’s is okay. As for Whole Foods? A little out of my price range and both stores near me are actually….not near me. Fresh and Easy has been the sole market for my shopping for three years now.
Secondly, my hubs is currently employed by Fresh and Easy. They give him decent pay and decent hours. Losing Fresh and Easy would be a big blow to my family.

When hubs told me the news, instead of losing my shiz (because that is totally what I wanted to do) I sat down at the computer and decided to apply at a few places.

Since I decided to go to school and do as much of the stay at home mom thing as possible, my work history is less than stellar. I have held down a couple jobs since I was 16 but I do not have many real employable skills yet. (Nothing besides my amazingly awesome personality and ability to beast it in the gym. Haha) The first site I went to was the Disney careers site. Luckily, they had a few positions open. I applied. Then, I received a web-based interview a few hours later. Then, I was asked to schedule an in-person interview.

At first, I was sincerely excited. For the past four years or so, I have wanted to work at Disneyland. I actually moved out to this state with that in mind. It had just never panned out. I went to bed that evening yammering to my hubs about how fantastic my job will be and how completely envious he will be.

The next morning was a different story.

i think i had that creepy face going on too....

i think i had that creepy face going on too….

I was pouring over Disneyland message boards trying to figure out what the interview would entail, how I should dress, what I should say, what the job would be like, if I would get hired, and a lot of other speculations that only the interwebz could grant me. I was starting to go nuts.

Do you think i’ll do well? Maybe they won’t like me? Should I wear this? If my hair is curly, will I look too edgy to get a job there? Do you think they’ll hire me right away or waitlist me? What if I do not get the job? Will we be broke? Will we become homeless? AHAHAHAHAHA!

I warned my husband when he first met me that I am crazy. In fact, I think my actual wording was something like this, “I am the kind of person that stresses out about being stressed out and then will become depressed about being so stressed out. I’m actually probably crazy enough to be committed, but I have been told that my neurotic mess of a self can be endearing and hilarious.” Somehow, he never ran off during any of our initial dates and then later proposed….and then actually married me. He’s probably the crazy one.

Anyway, this poor man has been bombarded with questions he could not possibly have the answers to. We have gone to the mall four times to return and purchase the perfect interview shirt. I have rehearsed my answers to interview questions at least half an hour a day and he is still lovely enough to pretend to listen. I have to give him kudos.

There is nothing magical about this right now. I have been to the point of pulling my hair out. I see my insecurities out in full bloom. I hate the possibility of rejection, no matter who or where it comes from. I am going to breathe today. The interview is tomorrow and I will sleep tonight. I will not scan Disney message boards. I will not try on the same five outfits over and over again asking if I look fat, dumb, or employable. They should hire me and if they don’t then they are crazy. I’ll be fine. I will not let it define me.

This is how i'll walk out of the interview if they do not hire me.

This is how i’ll walk out of the interview if they do not hire me.

 

Daily Fit Thought #13

30 Nov

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The fit thought today encompasses many parts of life.

There is much more to becoming healthy than just counting calories and going for a morning jog. A huge part of being healthy is working on the inside.

Shortcuts do not get you where you really want to be. We have all been guilty of shortcuts. I have vacuumed around a table, but not under. What did it accomplish? Nothing. Sure, the floor around the table was clean but eventually the mess needs to be completely vacuumed up. That is the problem with a shortcut: diverting from the right path leads to missing some key elements that you’ll have to take care of regardless.

Working out long and hard enough has not been my issue. My issue has been dealing with emotions. Throughout my fit journey, I have tried to take shortcuts. I have tried to over-exercise to make up for the other parts of myself that I could not control. What would happen? I would become fatigued, gain some weight, lose hope, and fall back into bad habits because I never worked on all of my problems.

Take the time and work on everything going on with yourself. Shortcuts will only rob you of the ability to fully evolve into the better person you really want to be, inside and out.

Slip-On Sneakers at the Gym

28 Nov

I’d apply at that place!

After a weekend of not running or going to the gym, my workout today (technically yesterday) was very needed.

I am reaching the end of Stage 1 of New Rules of Lifting for Women. I will be sad to go on to Stage 2. I am currently OBSESSED with back squats. I may just add those into the workout somehow. Anyway, here was my workout today.

Back squats: 1×8 @ 115lbs, 2×8 @ 125lbs
Push Ups: 3×8 on an aerobic step with 1 pair of risers
Dumbbell Bent Over Rows: 3×8 @ 25lbs
Step Ups: 3×8 on an aerobic step with 3 pairs of risers w/ 22.5lbs (per dumbbell)
Prone Jackknife: 1×10, 2×12

Cardio was weird today. I love to run. I spent all of my childhood hating running. I dreaded the mile in gym. I always got side stitches and my legs felt like lead. Last year, something changed inside me. I slowly started running and now I love it. I am psycho about trying to protect my knees though. I have only one pair of shoes right now and they are a pair of blue slip-on sneakers. I picked them up at Target one day for twelve bucks. These are not the type of shoes I would run in. I felt like a dork in the gym today. I kept looking down at my feet wondering if I looked like a super gymrat because nothing stops me from working out or if I looked like a fitness nOOb who doesn’t even get the right shoes to workout in. Either way, I did what I needed to do! I decided to do twenty minutes on the stairclimber and then do half an hour on the elliptical. I worked up a nice sweat.

One thing I did notice at the gym today was that I could not keep my eyes off of myself. My confidence is raising. I see a strong sexy lady when I look in the gym mirrors now. I no longer see a girl that always felt physically weak. I see a woman with a barbell across her shoulders squatting ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE POUNDS! I have made such a giant transformation. Today, it was hard to stop looking and myself with pride. I hate to go on about myself like that, but it is a big deal for me. I’m sure i’ll divulge into that more later.

In other news, we have a cute little Minnie Mouse themed Christmas tree up. We decided to be those people this year, haha. A tree up before it is even December. It is hard not to be excited when you have an thirty-four month old bouncing around with a smile on his face constantly babbling about Christmas. I am more excited about December 14th though. Fall semester will be over!!

I will try to catch up on blog reading (and posting) but I am now in finals week so…..anything that does not involve my son, school, or working out…..EEEEK….do not know if I will have time!

In the spirit of finals (and trying not to stress myself out about if I am or am not getting straight As):

Mmmm……I believe in you too ;p

Thanksgiving Breakdown

23 Nov

And also you Chuck.

I spent almost a week stressing out about Thanksgiving. I imagined my hubs and grandmother not getting along. I imagined 5,000 calories worth of food going down my throat and expanding my stomach. I imagined crying and wishing that Thanksgiving had never became a holiday.

As usual, my worrying was for nothing. My grandmother cooked a delicious meal. There was a lot more butter going on than I would have preferred,  but it was not as bad as I thought.

My grandmother was channeling her inner Paula Deen yesterday.

Since I know it is so easy for me to make a day of overeating become a week of overeating, I kept an eye on myself yesterday. I tried to fill up on turkey, green beans (she did not add the bacon, yay!), and cranberry salad. I did eat a tiny portion of the candied yams and mashed potatoes and gravy. I did not want my grandmother to feel bad, even if our previously discussed meal plan was ignored. I even indulged in a pie of homemade apple pie and a piece of pumpkin pie.

I had more room for pie because I did do my training run yesterday. I ran 4.15 miles on the streets. I really hold myself back on the treadmill. I run a steady 10:20 pace on the streets, while I stay between 10:45-11:10 on the treadmill. I have always been one to focus on my distance, not my speed. I also do not want to push myself to run to fast and then suffer an injury. I like to be careful.

I finally discovered why I have felt so sick. I am suffering from a killer sinus infection. But it is not stopping me from my training!

Hope y’all had a great turkey day!

Gym Rant: The Squat Rack Dudes

20 Nov

Because doing homework and being caught up for the holiday break is for lame people, I have decided to procrastinate and blog about my current pet peeve: the squat rack users at the gym.

I just found the perfect meme to start this rant off. Internet score.

This was me earlier at the gym. Seriously.

I have had a gym membership now for about a month. I love my new gym. The 24 Hour Fitness Super Sport I go to has three squat racks. Now, as a girl who likes to lift weights I need the squat rack. I have a heavy amount of weight I am squatting, lunging, deadlifting, blahblah-ing, but I cannot lift it over my head. I love the ability to duck under the bar, get situated, and pump some iron.

Since I have had this membership, I seem to go around the same time every day. I am a 12:30-3:30 frequenter of the gym and so are the world’s most annoying weight room men. The same five guys seem to be in the weight room with me when I am lifting and they have the worst freaking habits in the world. (These habits concern the squat rack. All of the terrible habits seem to revolve around the squat rack.)

The first most annoying thing these dudes do at the gym is placing their towels on machines that they are not using. I get that the squat rack is important. I love to use it myself, but if you are done or moving on to another machine for a bit REMOVE YOUR TOWEL SO I CAN WORKOUT! I am very methodical when I am in the gym. I group all my workouts according to areas. I do the squat rack needed moves first (because it is a busy machine), then I go to the free weights area to finish up whatever is floor work/dumbbell work. I have a plan. I have a method. It makes sense. This leads into my second issue.

You cannot use two or three bars on your ONE squat rack. Today, when I was at the gym, I spotted an open squat rack. I raced over with a smile upon my face. How lucky was I? A squat rack open and waiting for me. As fast as my smile appeared, it disappeared when I realized that there was no bar on the rack. Confusion racked my brain. I scan the gym for the bar that I so desperately needed. Quickly I spot the bar I need on the rack next to me. This dude had three bars on the squat rack he was using. He had a monopoly on all of the squat rack bars. Apparently, he was the only person in the whole gym that used bars when he worked out. Worst part of it, HE WAS NOT EVEN USING THE SQUAT RACK OR ANY OF THE BARS! Needless to say, I walked up to the machine he was working on and told him to give me one of his bars.

My final pet peeve with these dudes is how they are constantly trying to “help” me. This may not completely be about the squat rack, but it is annoying nonetheless. Almost every time I start to place weights on my bar, one of the dudes come up to me and ask me if I need help. “Hey, that looks heavy….do you need some help?” Clearly. Y’all have seen me here how many days now and you still believe I need your help? Take a cold shower and piss off. K?Thnx(:

Good thing I am not lifting tomorrow. Haha.

Do y’all have any gym pet peeves?

Exercise Recap: 11/20/2012

20 Nov

Today was my week 2 day 2 of the 16-week marathon program. I was supposed to run 3 miles; I ran 3.33 miles in 36 minutes. For the past three runs, I have been adding a minute of slow jogging (4.5) on a 6.0 incline. I run on 1.0, because I have been told that is comparable to flat pavement running, but even when I start running the streets again I do not live in a hilly area. I should take advantage of the treadmill right now.

My lifting workout was great today! I felt bad-ass in the gym today. I saw a couple guys watching me at the squat rack. What can I say? Momma knows how to lift with the big boys. 😀

Deadlift 3×10 @ 105lbs
Dumbbell Shoulder Press 1×7 1×8 1×9 @ 20lbs (for each dumbbell) <— This has always been the hardest move for me.
Lat Pulldown 1×8, 2×10 @ 86lbs
Split Leg Lunges 3×10 @ 100lbs
Reverse Crunch 3×10

I am officially in triple digits for three moves now. Y’all can only imagine how often I checked myself out today. I felt like one sexy lady.

 

(http://heyrunnergirl.tumblr.com/) Has a plethora of ‘Hey Girl’ memes for runner girls. LOVES<3

How was your workout today?