Tag Archives: inspiration

A Spoonful of Magic Helps the Anxiety Go Down….No, Not Really.

12 Dec
Even at 23, I run up to my favorite characters....

Even at 23, I run up to my favorite characters….

The interview at Disneyland is tomorrow and my anxiety levels are a peak. I have been wigging out now for about a week.

 

Last week, Tuesday to be exact, I came home from an invigorating run and my husband told me Fresh & Easy Neighborhood Market might go out of business between March and April.

Seriously, this meme does not even begin to cover it.

Seriously, this meme does not even begin to cover it.

First of all, I LOVE FRESH AND EASY. Words cannot even begin to make y’all understand how much I truly need Fresh and Easy in my life. I think Trader Joe’s is okay. As for Whole Foods? A little out of my price range and both stores near me are actually….not near me. Fresh and Easy has been the sole market for my shopping for three years now.
Secondly, my hubs is currently employed by Fresh and Easy. They give him decent pay and decent hours. Losing Fresh and Easy would be a big blow to my family.

When hubs told me the news, instead of losing my shiz (because that is totally what I wanted to do) I sat down at the computer and decided to apply at a few places.

Since I decided to go to school and do as much of the stay at home mom thing as possible, my work history is less than stellar. I have held down a couple jobs since I was 16 but I do not have many real employable skills yet. (Nothing besides my amazingly awesome personality and ability to beast it in the gym. Haha) The first site I went to was the Disney careers site. Luckily, they had a few positions open. I applied. Then, I received a web-based interview a few hours later. Then, I was asked to schedule an in-person interview.

At first, I was sincerely excited. For the past four years or so, I have wanted to work at Disneyland. I actually moved out to this state with that in mind. It had just never panned out. I went to bed that evening yammering to my hubs about how fantastic my job will be and how completely envious he will be.

The next morning was a different story.

i think i had that creepy face going on too....

i think i had that creepy face going on too….

I was pouring over Disneyland message boards trying to figure out what the interview would entail, how I should dress, what I should say, what the job would be like, if I would get hired, and a lot of other speculations that only the interwebz could grant me. I was starting to go nuts.

Do you think i’ll do well? Maybe they won’t like me? Should I wear this? If my hair is curly, will I look too edgy to get a job there? Do you think they’ll hire me right away or waitlist me? What if I do not get the job? Will we be broke? Will we become homeless? AHAHAHAHAHA!

I warned my husband when he first met me that I am crazy. In fact, I think my actual wording was something like this, “I am the kind of person that stresses out about being stressed out and then will become depressed about being so stressed out. I’m actually probably crazy enough to be committed, but I have been told that my neurotic mess of a self can be endearing and hilarious.” Somehow, he never ran off during any of our initial dates and then later proposed….and then actually married me. He’s probably the crazy one.

Anyway, this poor man has been bombarded with questions he could not possibly have the answers to. We have gone to the mall four times to return and purchase the perfect interview shirt. I have rehearsed my answers to interview questions at least half an hour a day and he is still lovely enough to pretend to listen. I have to give him kudos.

There is nothing magical about this right now. I have been to the point of pulling my hair out. I see my insecurities out in full bloom. I hate the possibility of rejection, no matter who or where it comes from. I am going to breathe today. The interview is tomorrow and I will sleep tonight. I will not scan Disney message boards. I will not try on the same five outfits over and over again asking if I look fat, dumb, or employable. They should hire me and if they don’t then they are crazy. I’ll be fine. I will not let it define me.

This is how i'll walk out of the interview if they do not hire me.

This is how i’ll walk out of the interview if they do not hire me.

 

That “Little Voice”

9 Dec

I cannot remember exactly when that little voice in the back of my head sprang to life and started talking to me, but I do know it has been a dominate force in my life for years and that it developed sometime long ago when I was a pre-teen. The little voice is that terrible narrator in your head telling you rotten statements that are not true. My little voice has always said things like:

you are not good enough
they do not like/love you
you are ugly, stupid, and fat.
you will never become anything.
you will never be important.
you, ultimately, do not matter.

Looking back on my childhood (because is that not where most of our little voices develop those strong vocal chords), I see a connection between my little voice and my mother. My mother has suffered from OCD, anorexia, and serve anxiety for years. The anorexia started when she was a teenager; the other two developed more and more as she became an adult.

I first started noticing my mother’s problems with herself when I was eleven. She would stare at herself for ten to thirty minutes multiples time a day in the mirror in my bedroom. My closet doors were mirrors. I loved dancing in front of them pretending I was Baby Spice, but my mother used them to pick herself apart.

How much older than your father do I look?
I am getting chunky.
Wow, I look haggard.
I am ugly.

She would ask me questions that, as a young girl, I thought were weird. My mom has always been beautiful. Even if she was not my mom, I would think that. She confused me. Why did she not see what I saw?

Hearing my mother’s negative self-talk made me start to look at myself more critically. Where the kids at school right? I was tall, pale, and overweight. I did not really focus on this anymore. I was no longer being teased. I had friends now. I was happy. Or was it all a lie? My mom’s self-hate was contagious. The voice was probably born sometime around here when I was between eleven and twelve.

When my mom would stop eating, I wanted to lose weight her. I wanted boys at school to look at me the way grown men looked at her. When I was between thirteen and fifteen, my mother and I went through an ugly time together. We spent a lot of time eating lettuce and drinking Slim Fast. We were unhappy and constantly telling each other just how shitty we found ourselves to be.

I also picked up on her perfectionist qualities. Anything below an A in school (with the exception of math) was disgusting. I was not going to hold myself to the slacker standards of my peers. I struggled some nights between all my honors/AP classes and extra-curricular activities. I wanted to be fresh and creative to teachers regardless of how long I had to spend on the assignment.

The thing about the voice is: I never was able to make myself happy. No grade was good enough. No compliment was true. No report card filled me with pride. No matter what I did. I was not enough. I always had to be better….but I never actually thought I was better.

Same as my mother, I hit a point when nothing mattered anymore. I graduated and decided to not go to college. I worked for a fast food place instead. I consigned myself to eating and working for barely over minimum wage. I hated myself and wanted to torture myself because I thought living that way was what I deserved.

For almost three years, I have been working on accepting myself. I came out of a major depression and have slowly started to work on things, like that little voice.

Having a child of my own has been a big part of why I want to fix my real flaw. It will not matter if i’m fat, skinny, average, beautiful, or ugly. What will affect my son is how I feel about myself and what I do with my life. I do not want to teach him insecurities and self-hate.

As I approach the end of my first full semester of community college, I am proud. I do not have straight As and, for once, I am alright with that. I worked hard for a steady 3.5, but I did not let the pressure of school, my family, and the little voice get to me. Yes, I had days that I felt like a moron. There were also days I told myself to drop all of my classes because I would never be able to obtain a degree. However, I was able to ignore those thoughts. I was able to push through and, for the first time in maybe…ever, I feel proud of myself. Long ago, I let the voice dominate me. Now I know that even though I will never be perfect, I can still be the most amazing me. (and it may sound cheesy but it’s a big step for me!)

Daily Fit Thought #14

7 Dec

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Tonight’s daily fit thought is about dreams.
Do you ever lay in bed at night and imagine the things you want to do? Do you then scoff at those dreams and tell yourself to be sensible? We all have at some point, but we should not.

What is the point of life without dreams? All of our goals develop from a dream, don’t they?

I used to dream of being able to run. I would see those people running on the sidewalk. They looked happy and free. I would gaze out at them from the passenger seat of my mom’s mini-van and later on from the driver’s seat of my first car while stopped at a red light. One day, I decided to make that dream come turn. I dusted off the treadmill in the back of the garage, hopped on it, and started running. I remember that my lungs burned before I even hit half a mile. I had a side stitch by three-fourths of a mile, and I was damn near collapsing after the first mile. Instead of giving up, my dreamed expanded: I wanted to run a 5k. My first 5k, on a treadmill, took me forty-four minutes to complete. A few months later, I ran my first 5k and I completed it in thirty-one minutes. By the end of that year, I ran a half marathon. Now, I am training to run the LA Marathon in March. I never stop dreaming. I never let fear stop my dreams from becoming bigger.

Dream, dream big.

Daily Fit Thought #12

28 Nov

self explanatory, right?

 

Very often I hear people say that to lose weight they need to workout and eat less.
Eat less?
No, not necessarily eat less. You need to eat less junk food and eat right.  Eat healthy food!
Eat clean.

Today’s daily fit thought is about eating right. Becoming healthy does not mean that you need to go to the gym for four hours five times a week. Becoming healthy, which should be the goal, is about becoming moderately active and eating right!

Skip the drive-thru, avoid the temptation of those sweets right by the cashier, and give up the cheddar and sour cream Ruffles addiction! Make sure that on a daily basis you are eating vegetables, fruits, whole grains, lean protein, and healthy fats.
Yes, you do need a certain amount of fat in your diet. These can come from nuts and avocados.
It really is that simple.

If you watch the quality of food you are putting in your mouth, everything else will fall into place.

Slip-On Sneakers at the Gym

28 Nov

I’d apply at that place!

After a weekend of not running or going to the gym, my workout today (technically yesterday) was very needed.

I am reaching the end of Stage 1 of New Rules of Lifting for Women. I will be sad to go on to Stage 2. I am currently OBSESSED with back squats. I may just add those into the workout somehow. Anyway, here was my workout today.

Back squats: 1×8 @ 115lbs, 2×8 @ 125lbs
Push Ups: 3×8 on an aerobic step with 1 pair of risers
Dumbbell Bent Over Rows: 3×8 @ 25lbs
Step Ups: 3×8 on an aerobic step with 3 pairs of risers w/ 22.5lbs (per dumbbell)
Prone Jackknife: 1×10, 2×12

Cardio was weird today. I love to run. I spent all of my childhood hating running. I dreaded the mile in gym. I always got side stitches and my legs felt like lead. Last year, something changed inside me. I slowly started running and now I love it. I am psycho about trying to protect my knees though. I have only one pair of shoes right now and they are a pair of blue slip-on sneakers. I picked them up at Target one day for twelve bucks. These are not the type of shoes I would run in. I felt like a dork in the gym today. I kept looking down at my feet wondering if I looked like a super gymrat because nothing stops me from working out or if I looked like a fitness nOOb who doesn’t even get the right shoes to workout in. Either way, I did what I needed to do! I decided to do twenty minutes on the stairclimber and then do half an hour on the elliptical. I worked up a nice sweat.

One thing I did notice at the gym today was that I could not keep my eyes off of myself. My confidence is raising. I see a strong sexy lady when I look in the gym mirrors now. I no longer see a girl that always felt physically weak. I see a woman with a barbell across her shoulders squatting ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE POUNDS! I have made such a giant transformation. Today, it was hard to stop looking and myself with pride. I hate to go on about myself like that, but it is a big deal for me. I’m sure i’ll divulge into that more later.

In other news, we have a cute little Minnie Mouse themed Christmas tree up. We decided to be those people this year, haha. A tree up before it is even December. It is hard not to be excited when you have an thirty-four month old bouncing around with a smile on his face constantly babbling about Christmas. I am more excited about December 14th though. Fall semester will be over!!

I will try to catch up on blog reading (and posting) but I am now in finals week so…..anything that does not involve my son, school, or working out…..EEEEK….do not know if I will have time!

In the spirit of finals (and trying not to stress myself out about if I am or am not getting straight As):

Mmmm……I believe in you too ;p

Thanksgiving Breakdown

23 Nov

And also you Chuck.

I spent almost a week stressing out about Thanksgiving. I imagined my hubs and grandmother not getting along. I imagined 5,000 calories worth of food going down my throat and expanding my stomach. I imagined crying and wishing that Thanksgiving had never became a holiday.

As usual, my worrying was for nothing. My grandmother cooked a delicious meal. There was a lot more butter going on than I would have preferred,  but it was not as bad as I thought.

My grandmother was channeling her inner Paula Deen yesterday.

Since I know it is so easy for me to make a day of overeating become a week of overeating, I kept an eye on myself yesterday. I tried to fill up on turkey, green beans (she did not add the bacon, yay!), and cranberry salad. I did eat a tiny portion of the candied yams and mashed potatoes and gravy. I did not want my grandmother to feel bad, even if our previously discussed meal plan was ignored. I even indulged in a pie of homemade apple pie and a piece of pumpkin pie.

I had more room for pie because I did do my training run yesterday. I ran 4.15 miles on the streets. I really hold myself back on the treadmill. I run a steady 10:20 pace on the streets, while I stay between 10:45-11:10 on the treadmill. I have always been one to focus on my distance, not my speed. I also do not want to push myself to run to fast and then suffer an injury. I like to be careful.

I finally discovered why I have felt so sick. I am suffering from a killer sinus infection. But it is not stopping me from my training!

Hope y’all had a great turkey day!

Daily Fit Thought #11

21 Nov

Today’s daily fit thought is being typed out with tomorrow in mind. I know that I am stressing about a table full of bad decisions, refined carbs, unhealthy fats, and too much sugar. I have been internally stressing about the amount of “no more thank you”s and “i already had some and could not possibly eat anymore”s that I will have to politely fling out at my family.

Thing is: IT IS ONE DAY. One meal consumed during a single day. One meal will not make or break a string of very good decisions.

I am not saying shove a whole pumpkin pie down you throat, throw up your hands, and scream, “YOLO”. What I am saying (typing? you get it!) is that a little stuffing, gravy, yams, rolls, turkey, and a piece of pie will not ruin what you have been working on. As long as the next day you are back on track.

Try not to worry when you look at that full Thanksgiving dinner table. Do not make your family feel bad for the food they cooked. Do not make yourself feel bad for eating some of that lovingly cooked food. You will be alright. It really is just one day.