Tag Archives: Binge

Small Steps

16 Dec


I drag my exhausted body into the house. Looking around the disheveled living room, I shake my head and sink into the nearest chair. I feel the anxiety in my chest rising. My heart is starting to race. I can hear an echo in my ears. I can feel a lump in my throat.
I am thinking about the next few days. The stress of the upcoming holidays. The waiting. I am always waiting for something better. My mouth becomes dry. I stand up and pace. My mind locks on to one thought. I look over at my husband and he already knows what is happening.

Fifteen minutes later, I slowly unwrap the brown greasy bag. I take out a item that is less like food and more like a drug. I shovel it in my mouth. There really is no taste. I am not eating this for the taste; I am eating this for the fix, the high, the ability to focus on something else.
The bag is empty. My hands shine with grease and my face shines with guilt. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed. My chest seems to be pounding again. My mouth hangs half open. How do I let things get to this?

After a binge, I want to restrict. I want to purge. I want to feel clean again. Or…I keep bingeing. I temporarily give up on myself.
Friday was difficult. I wanted to run more than the 3 miles my training required. I wanted to head to the gym. I wanted to eat only 900 calories. I tried to push these thoughts away. Restricting will only lead to a binge. Bineging more will just make me feel worse.

I was able to moderately eat and only do my training run. I was proud. I came out on the other side of a binge. I did not slide downhill for a few days, nor did I starve myself for a few days.

Yesterday, I ran my week 3 long run. I did 7.05 miles in 69 minutes. I was able to enjoy a cupcake, guilt-free, afterwards. I am trying to not let stress control my eating habits, but it is easier said than done. I have been focusing for almost three-years on fixing myself, but I do know a lot of it is mental. I eat to relieve the stress I feel over things I feel I cannot control. I eat to relieve myself of the obscene standards I place upon myself. I eat when I fail….or when I think I have failed.

Point of this post: this is one of the first times I can remember NOT letting one binge control me and alter my next few days or weeks. Progress is progress. I have to remember to be proud of the small things.

I add memes to lighten up a serious sounding post...

I add memes to lighten up a serious sounding post…


Daily Fit Thought #13

30 Nov


The fit thought today encompasses many parts of life.

There is much more to becoming healthy than just counting calories and going for a morning jog. A huge part of being healthy is working on the inside.

Shortcuts do not get you where you really want to be. We have all been guilty of shortcuts. I have vacuumed around a table, but not under. What did it accomplish? Nothing. Sure, the floor around the table was clean but eventually the mess needs to be completely vacuumed up. That is the problem with a shortcut: diverting from the right path leads to missing some key elements that you’ll have to take care of regardless.

Working out long and hard enough has not been my issue. My issue has been dealing with emotions. Throughout my fit journey, I have tried to take shortcuts. I have tried to over-exercise to make up for the other parts of myself that I could not control. What would happen? I would become fatigued, gain some weight, lose hope, and fall back into bad habits because I never worked on all of my problems.

Take the time and work on everything going on with yourself. Shortcuts will only rob you of the ability to fully evolve into the better person you really want to be, inside and out.

Can’t Steal My Spirit

25 Nov

After a very long weekend, I am feeling much better. I have a game plan and spirit. Those are two things people cannot steal.

I want to thank y’all for being great followers. The sympathy I have received the past few days has made me feel so loved. It has helped me cope with not being able to run for a full week.

I did binge yesterday. I watched television and ate. The good part was finally seeing Magic Mike. That movie immediately became a favorite. I think pieces of pumpkin pie fell out of my mouth as my jaw dropped during Channing Tatum’s stripping scenes. Haha.

Anyway, today I woke up with my head on right. I will be replacing all of my running gear this friday. I will start hitting the gym again Tuesday to lift, use the Arc trainer and climb those endless black stairs. Tuesday also starts finals! My partners in health class have not gotten back to me about our group project. I loathe group projects. I will not do all of the work. I have sent 2 pms and 3 emails and no response. They have until the 30th to respond, otherwise I am doing the whole project and turning it in with only my name on it. (Yes, I am that kind of person.) Besides health, I have two giant projects for Film and Lit. One of the projects is broken down into three spreadsheets and two papers on Othello v. Othello (1995…or 1994 film). The other one is the usual exam.

I am determined to not let the stress of finals get to me. I will finish Stage 1 of New Rules this week (or the start of next week) and I will resume running again Saturday. I am doing a lot of modifications to the way I eat this week.

I am not eating anything from a restaurant or fast food place for a week. I am also cutting my calories from 1700 to 1500, only for this week. I also am trying to stick to a more clean approach. I will not have any diet soda this week or any of the pre-made meals I love from Fresh and Easy. I want to see what one week of being extremely strict does for my body.

Time for bed. I cannot wait to beast it this week! (:
I also cannot wait to take my son to Disneyland one last time this year. I decided not to renew my annual pass just yet and they expire on Wednesday. I love his excitement and smiles when we go to DL. He’ll be a happy boy which will only make this coming week better!

The Aftermath Has an Aftertaste of Dirt

24 Nov

I am woken up by my husband before nine this morning. His face looks weary. He is hoovering over me like he has something to tell me that he does not want me to know. I ask him if he picked up the car. He has picked up the car, but he has some bad news along with the good news.

I get up and snatch the keys from his hands. I slide my feet through my blue slip-ons and rush outside. There is the car. The car looks just as it always has. Beige, used, and oddly reliable. I cannot bring myself to place the key in the lock. I cannot bring myself to open the car door. I think of the scumbag breaking open my car door. The scumbag sitting in the driver’s seat of my car.

My husband comes over and opens the car door for me. The car looks as if a mini-tornado ripped through it. I feel violated. My stomach feels sick and I struggle to look through the mess. My son’s bike is in the trunk, but it is the only thing that was left. My running shorts, knee straps, my sports bra, weight lifting gloves, my running shoes, the toys we were going to donate, and my husband’s tool set are all gone. I become slightly dizzy. Who steals a pair of used running shorts? Who steals ripped weight lifting gloves? I am at a loss. I scream out some obscenities and slam the car door shut.

I had my workout stuff in the car because I was going to the gym right after I spent the afternoon with hubs. Otherwise, I would never just leave those things in the car. I do not typically use the car as a chest of drawers.

I feel violated. I am angry. I am grateful to have the car back, but then disgusted because I should not have to be grateful about that. No one should have to be thankful for getting their car back after it was stolen from them.

The cops told my husband, last night on the phone, that what saved us is that we had a practically empty tank. The lowlife only made it to the next town over. When the cops found our car, the engine was still warm.

I was upset last night. Then, I was thrilled to find out we would get the car back today. Now, after seeing the car, I feel disgusting. Someone ripped apart my car, looked at the items, and decided what was best to steal. I feel like the turkey carcass after a big Thanksgiving dinner; People picking the last morsels of meat and then they throw out the bones.

The lowlife stole the laundry basket in the trunk and filled it with the stolen goods. I can picture him riffling through my car and then fleeing in the night. But I cannot imagine how he (or she) feels. How does a person like that tick? Clearly that car is owned by a family. The loser stole our registration, took my id out of my gym stuff, and threw my son’s Disneyland hat in the trunk. That scum saw parts of us and we will never know who he is. We will never know why he did it or what he did with our stuff. This is what bothers me most. He broke in, took our mode of transportation, stole most of what was in it, and disrupted my family’s life.

I want to forget about all of this. I want to sit in front of  the television and veg. I want to eat junk food. I want a big bag of Jack in the Box. I want to stop being angry. I wish I could be more grateful that we have our car back. I am disappointed in myself. I do not know what to do. Handling emotions is not something I have ever been able to do.

Food is Not a Shoulder to Cry on

24 Nov

My husband and I went out today. We never go out on Black Friday; “Why not see it for once”, we said.

Our first stop was Target. We saw many deals out still, even after 1pm. Surprisingly, we ignored the shopping bug nipping at our wallets. On the way out, however, we saw a box. Inside the box was a twelve-inch bike all decked out in Lightening McQueen decals. Our son, almost three, has been begging for the past few months for a bike. His birthday is a month after Christmas. We found the perfect gift. With smiles, we purchased the bike and bounced out of Target. We were so happy to find such a great deal on a bike for our boy! We place the box in the trunk and decide to walk the short distance to the mall. Earlier we saw that the parking lot was ridiculous, so why bother?

After a few hours at the mall, we headed back to the parking lot. After five minutes, my scanning starts to become frantic. “Hun, where is the car?” My husband walks down the next aisle of parked cars. I stand there while a lump grows in my throat. I can see he is pacing in between cars. There is a worried look coming over his face. My eyes begin to water because I know what has happened. “The car is gone, isn’t it?” I start to scream the first part over and over again. I begin to cry as I run between cars. I am silently praying that I am just being paranoid and jumping to conclusions. I always jump to conclusions.

But I am not being paranoid and I did jump to the right conclusion; the car was stolen.

I think of my son’s new bike. I wonder how will my husband get to work. I, selfishly, think of my running shoes. I think of the little things in my car, in my family’s car.

Jump to two hours later.
The police report was made. We are all at home. At the dinner table, I check the NBA game scores for the night. I watch my grandmother set up dinner. I immediately think of all the food I want to eat. I am not hungry, but food will fix my problem. I always tell myself that food will fix the problem.

How disgusting of me to go there. All the progress I have made, but I need to work on my relationship with food. Eating three slices of pumpkin pie will not bring the car back. Eating 5,000 calories will not make this turn into just a nightmare.

Luckily, before we start eating dinner, the police call and tell us our car is at a tow place. We can pick it up tomorrow. I hope my baby’s bike is still in there.

I am disappointed that I almost binged. Almost three years has past since I have actively decided to not emotionally eat. I need to take more time to work on this goal. Food does not cure emotional problems.

Love Thyself (Challenge #2)

20 Nov

I have a confession to make: I let other people influence my eating habits.

When I was younger, I was a bossy child. I had opinions, both right and wrong ones, and I stuck to them with a fervor and passion that could not be taken away. However, as I grew up, I became insecure and lost my confidence. Suddenly, my ideas, thoughts, and opinions, seemed weak and I was ready to toss them aside for almost anyone else’s.

I decided, almost three years ago, that I no longer wanted the eating habits that had plagued me for years. I revamped a lot of the things I did. I no longer drank regular soda. I no longer ate fast food multiple times a day. I actually started eating fruits and veggies. My husband was left in the wind. When we met, it was a whirlwind of late nights, fast food wrappers, and bad decisions. We loved spending time together, spending money, and eating. I can see that, to him, I have become a different person. I am trying to budget our money. I do not want to go out to eat. I spend more time in the gym. I talk about nutrition, running, lifting, and other things that he has no interest in. I see why he does not support me. I am not the women he fell in love with or married. At the same time though, people are constantly changing and evolving. Maybe one day he will change his mind and join me, or just support what I am doing.

Until then, I cannot let others influence the decisions I am making for myself. If my husband wants fast food then I must let him but not have it myself. I have to be able to stand up for myself and say, “No!” In the end, my husband might not feel guilty for eating junk food but I do.

This is the part of the journey that has been the hardest for me. I need to learn to love and respect myself. My whole life has been about putting other people first. I am always trying to make others happy. But what about Heather? I always seem to forget about her. I am always so willing to throw away what I want to put a smile on someone else’s face.

This is my new challenge. I messed up on my first challenge. I had fast food. I lasted a full week, but my challenge was a month. My husband wanted it Sunday night after the gym and I ate it with him. My next challenge: For 14 days, the span of two weeks, I need to stand up for myself. I want to rid myself of fast food and the daily junk in my life. I will have many opportunities to speak up and say, “No thank you, I do not want any of that.” If I do not learn how to stand up for myself, love myself, and respect myself I will lose control again.

What? Who? Me? You? … Leave a Message After the Beep.

18 Nov




I pray to the Gods of college, coursework, and education in general that last night will be the last time I have to attempt an all-nighter until spring semester (or never having to attempt one again would be nice too). I went to bed around 6-6:30am and woke up on and off from 10 until 11:45am. If you asked my random facts about myself today, I probably could not tell you anything past my name. I am checked out today folks. If my training log did not tell me it was Sunday, who knows what I would say the date is.
My blender bottle is full of coffee and whey protein mix. A nice little dish in front of me is pilled with steamed broccoli. One, if not both, of these things better perk me up and help me become partially functional.


I took my measurements today and was not thrilled. I did lose a pound and a half but apparently I am only slimming down my thighs. Damn the lower belly pooch of childbirth, will I ever see you disappear?! I see that I need to cut some sodium out. (I am not bingeing, so that is good. My weekly calorie totals are just about where they should be, give or take a couple hundred.) I know part of it is TOM, that bastard, but putting hot sauce on everything might just be part of the problem soon. I am also worried that with marathon training I will lose lean mass too and not just fat. I am still lifting while running (thus far, however I am nervous about when my mileage really starts to go up) so I am hoping to combat this issue. I had a (now ex) friend tell me that I could never develop my lean muscle mass and just lose fat if I was running. If that is true, then I will take being skinny fat forever.


If I came home to that ^ I would run every single day. Wait, I almost do that now! I love to run. As much as I would love to be a sexy bulk of lean firm muscles, the feeling I get during and after a run (especially one ranging from 6-13 miles) beats that desire.

I lost track of my days and of the daily fit thoughts. Damn my need for a higher education. (If there is still such a thing in America.) I will figure out if today is Day 9, 10, or 11 later and then I will post on how i’m doing without fast food and what the fit thought is today.

I only have an hour to three of homework today and I will be able to fit in my gym time. YAY!

Can someone find a way to have Ryan Gosling at my house, waiting for me, when I come home from the gym? justathought.