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New Year Post

31 Dec

It’s a little after 11am11pm (that is how tired I am) here in Cali.
I am laying in bed. I can hear the neighbors partying next door. I can also hear the sounds of ambulance and police sirens. The world is being crazy and I am about to read a book.
#nerdmoments

Since people like to reflect and think about their goals for the coming year, I suppose I will list mine.
In 2013, I want to do the following:

Get my own place
Run the LA Marathon
Finish New Rules of Lifting for Women
Transfer to a better college
Work on loving myself and cutting out the negative self-talk
Decrease my crazy amounts of stress
Read more!
Write more!
Eat a whole lot cleaner!!

I truly believe this list is doable.
I have come a long way and I know I am capable of going even further.
I have a gut feeling 2013 will be my year!

On another note, 2012 was a hard year for me. I did come a long way, but I fell into a deep hole. After losing a job I loved in Dec of 2011, I became quite sad. About 2 months later, my great grandmother passed on. I found myself in a horribly dark place. I hit a rock bottom that I did not know I could reach. I was having family issues, felt like I had no friends or support around me, and I tried to ease my pain with food and television. Slowly, I came around. I thought of my beloved Great Gram watching over me. I’d imagine how pissed off she’d be at the sight of me laying in bed eating peanut butter from the jar. She always believed in me. I decided I would get my shit together for her. By July, I was functioning again like a regular person. I was running, eating right, looking for a job, and back in school. I was even trying to reach out to some friends and attempt to re-build relationships. I suffered an injury early August. It was hard to not let one slip-up make me fall right back into my sad funk. I started lifting. I started reading again. I was maintaining my positive attitude.
I’m proud to say I have had my ups and downs this year but I managed to come back in a big way. This is the happiest I can remember being in a while. Sure, there are days that my anxiety and stress problems get the best of me. There are nights that I cannot sleep through, but I am not giving up anymore.
I would not care to repeat 2012 over, but I did catch a glimpse of just how strong I really am.

Happy New Year y’all!

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Bye Holidays

29 Dec

I am fairly excited to be through with the holidays.
I am only a festive-ish person now because of my son.

I spent Christmas sick, but that is okay. My son was so stoked about opening presents that it did not matter if I had the sniffles or not. Something about his smiling face as he unwrapped his gifts eased my upset tummy. (:
After gifts, I watched the basketball games on ABC. This is my only real Christmas tradition. Seriously, I would not even have a tree if it was not for my son. I am just a weirdo like that.

My training is going well. I have had to run sick, in the rain, and stuffed with cranberry jello salad. I wrapped up week 5 day 6’s run today. I’m so thrilled to be injury free and running the way I was prior to the PF issues that plagued me throughout the summer. Tomorrow is my first double-digit run since July. I love 10-12 mile runs!

I am almost done with Stage 2 of New Rules of Lifting for Women. Lifting is becoming harder to fit in as my mileage increases. I just become pooped and I would rather run than lift. I love to lift but running comes first!!

Speaking of my training, I was looking ahead to January’s schedule and YIKES! Stage 3 certainly qualifies as BEAST MODE and towards the end of the month I will run FOURTEEN MILES! I know I know….14 miles is nothing if I want to run a marathon, but I have never ran more than a half (13.10) so I am scared and excited about that extra 9/10 of a mile.

Since I am obviously going to enter beast mode in 2013, I have started to focus on my eating. I have not binged in, at least, a week now. Once all the family has cleared out the first week of Jan, I have collected some recipes I want to try out. I am going to make a healthy eggplant dish, my own protein bars, and some veggie lasagna. I really want to eat as clean as possible and do a bi-monthly cheat meal.

So i’m alive and haven’t quit my blog. I was just sick and wrapped up in all that is Christmas.
How was y’alls holiday? Get an amazing presents?? (:

Still Alive

21 Dec

M.I.A. this past week.
A long week it has turned out to be.
I stress ate a lot, but I stuck to my running.
Running with a food hangover blows.

I was suffering from stress-induced muscle spasms in my back all this week also. I did not hit the gym and lift weights. I was afraid of hurting myself.

I have my long run tomorrow. 8 miles.
I am excited to be near the double digits again. I love a good ten mile run. I believe next Saturday will be my first double digit for this training.

I can’t believe Christmas is almost here, and the world didn’t end today. New Year’s Resolutions should be starting soon. Which means the gym will be packed for two to four weeks. Lol!

Hope y’all have a great Christmas, weekend, day, Holiday…..or whatever doesn’t offend you! (:

I’ll be back come Thursday!!

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Small Steps

16 Dec

someecard

I drag my exhausted body into the house. Looking around the disheveled living room, I shake my head and sink into the nearest chair. I feel the anxiety in my chest rising. My heart is starting to race. I can hear an echo in my ears. I can feel a lump in my throat.
I am thinking about the next few days. The stress of the upcoming holidays. The waiting. I am always waiting for something better. My mouth becomes dry. I stand up and pace. My mind locks on to one thought. I look over at my husband and he already knows what is happening.

Fifteen minutes later, I slowly unwrap the brown greasy bag. I take out a item that is less like food and more like a drug. I shovel it in my mouth. There really is no taste. I am not eating this for the taste; I am eating this for the fix, the high, the ability to focus on something else.
The bag is empty. My hands shine with grease and my face shines with guilt. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed. My chest seems to be pounding again. My mouth hangs half open. How do I let things get to this?

After a binge, I want to restrict. I want to purge. I want to feel clean again. Or…I keep bingeing. I temporarily give up on myself.
Friday was difficult. I wanted to run more than the 3 miles my training required. I wanted to head to the gym. I wanted to eat only 900 calories. I tried to push these thoughts away. Restricting will only lead to a binge. Bineging more will just make me feel worse.

I was able to moderately eat and only do my training run. I was proud. I came out on the other side of a binge. I did not slide downhill for a few days, nor did I starve myself for a few days.

Yesterday, I ran my week 3 long run. I did 7.05 miles in 69 minutes. I was able to enjoy a cupcake, guilt-free, afterwards. I am trying to not let stress control my eating habits, but it is easier said than done. I have been focusing for almost three-years on fixing myself, but I do know a lot of it is mental. I eat to relieve the stress I feel over things I feel I cannot control. I eat to relieve myself of the obscene standards I place upon myself. I eat when I fail….or when I think I have failed.

Point of this post: this is one of the first times I can remember NOT letting one binge control me and alter my next few days or weeks. Progress is progress. I have to remember to be proud of the small things.

I add memes to lighten up a serious sounding post...

I add memes to lighten up a serious sounding post…

Hulkin’ Around

13 Dec

Today was the interview at Disneyland. The interview went very well. The lady explained that Disney tends to pull apps prior to a peak season and put the best candidates on a waitlist. She told me to expect an email or call between January and February. She even waitlisted me for two positions: the stores and the quick-serve restaurants. She went on to tell me that I carry myself well and communicate with ease. The first part meant a lot to me because I have had a problem with portraying myself as confident for the majority of my life.

Here is the slip she gave me after the interview. The best part is: I won’t have to be interviewed again. I will receive a call or email for a job offer. Whoop! I am excited!

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After the interview, the boys and I lingered around Downtown Disney. Primarily the Lego store. My son showed a big interest in the Legos. He loved the Lego models of Woody, Buzz, and RC. We both really liked the Hulk model and decided to take a Hulk pose picture. (:

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In non-Disney related news, I am finally through with fall semester. I’m now thirteen units closer to my AA and have a 3.75 gpa. I am fairly proud! I cannot wait until spring semester in Feb! (Yes, I am that nerdy.)

Today was a well-deserved rest day. Yesterday, I killed my new rules stage 2A workout. I absolutely HATE front squat/push press. I love squats; it is the push press part I loathe. My ability to do push-ups and planks are slowly improving. I also blasted out my week 3 day 3 4 mile run. I woke up unable to fully walk until after my long hot shower. I will not be lifting until Sunday. Tomorrow I have a speedy 3 miler and Saturday is the day I dedicate solely to my long run, which is 7 miles this week.

Last thing, I want to recommend a protein bar. I am a fan of a couple Pure Protein products and the other day I came across another awesome one.

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This bar is delicious! I leave my protein bars in the fridge and this was another great cold bar. It is 180 calories, 20g protein, 17g carbs, and 6g fat. I have found them at Target and Fresh & Easy. The bar is fairly filling too!

To summarize: y’all cross your fingers that Disney calls and calls me soon!! (Or emails…that is fine too.) (:

A Spoonful of Magic Helps the Anxiety Go Down….No, Not Really.

12 Dec
Even at 23, I run up to my favorite characters....

Even at 23, I run up to my favorite characters….

The interview at Disneyland is tomorrow and my anxiety levels are a peak. I have been wigging out now for about a week.

 

Last week, Tuesday to be exact, I came home from an invigorating run and my husband told me Fresh & Easy Neighborhood Market might go out of business between March and April.

Seriously, this meme does not even begin to cover it.

Seriously, this meme does not even begin to cover it.

First of all, I LOVE FRESH AND EASY. Words cannot even begin to make y’all understand how much I truly need Fresh and Easy in my life. I think Trader Joe’s is okay. As for Whole Foods? A little out of my price range and both stores near me are actually….not near me. Fresh and Easy has been the sole market for my shopping for three years now.
Secondly, my hubs is currently employed by Fresh and Easy. They give him decent pay and decent hours. Losing Fresh and Easy would be a big blow to my family.

When hubs told me the news, instead of losing my shiz (because that is totally what I wanted to do) I sat down at the computer and decided to apply at a few places.

Since I decided to go to school and do as much of the stay at home mom thing as possible, my work history is less than stellar. I have held down a couple jobs since I was 16 but I do not have many real employable skills yet. (Nothing besides my amazingly awesome personality and ability to beast it in the gym. Haha) The first site I went to was the Disney careers site. Luckily, they had a few positions open. I applied. Then, I received a web-based interview a few hours later. Then, I was asked to schedule an in-person interview.

At first, I was sincerely excited. For the past four years or so, I have wanted to work at Disneyland. I actually moved out to this state with that in mind. It had just never panned out. I went to bed that evening yammering to my hubs about how fantastic my job will be and how completely envious he will be.

The next morning was a different story.

i think i had that creepy face going on too....

i think i had that creepy face going on too….

I was pouring over Disneyland message boards trying to figure out what the interview would entail, how I should dress, what I should say, what the job would be like, if I would get hired, and a lot of other speculations that only the interwebz could grant me. I was starting to go nuts.

Do you think i’ll do well? Maybe they won’t like me? Should I wear this? If my hair is curly, will I look too edgy to get a job there? Do you think they’ll hire me right away or waitlist me? What if I do not get the job? Will we be broke? Will we become homeless? AHAHAHAHAHA!

I warned my husband when he first met me that I am crazy. In fact, I think my actual wording was something like this, “I am the kind of person that stresses out about being stressed out and then will become depressed about being so stressed out. I’m actually probably crazy enough to be committed, but I have been told that my neurotic mess of a self can be endearing and hilarious.” Somehow, he never ran off during any of our initial dates and then later proposed….and then actually married me. He’s probably the crazy one.

Anyway, this poor man has been bombarded with questions he could not possibly have the answers to. We have gone to the mall four times to return and purchase the perfect interview shirt. I have rehearsed my answers to interview questions at least half an hour a day and he is still lovely enough to pretend to listen. I have to give him kudos.

There is nothing magical about this right now. I have been to the point of pulling my hair out. I see my insecurities out in full bloom. I hate the possibility of rejection, no matter who or where it comes from. I am going to breathe today. The interview is tomorrow and I will sleep tonight. I will not scan Disney message boards. I will not try on the same five outfits over and over again asking if I look fat, dumb, or employable. They should hire me and if they don’t then they are crazy. I’ll be fine. I will not let it define me.

This is how i'll walk out of the interview if they do not hire me.

This is how i’ll walk out of the interview if they do not hire me.

 

That “Little Voice”

9 Dec

I cannot remember exactly when that little voice in the back of my head sprang to life and started talking to me, but I do know it has been a dominate force in my life for years and that it developed sometime long ago when I was a pre-teen. The little voice is that terrible narrator in your head telling you rotten statements that are not true. My little voice has always said things like:

you are not good enough
they do not like/love you
you are ugly, stupid, and fat.
you will never become anything.
you will never be important.
you, ultimately, do not matter.

Looking back on my childhood (because is that not where most of our little voices develop those strong vocal chords), I see a connection between my little voice and my mother. My mother has suffered from OCD, anorexia, and serve anxiety for years. The anorexia started when she was a teenager; the other two developed more and more as she became an adult.

I first started noticing my mother’s problems with herself when I was eleven. She would stare at herself for ten to thirty minutes multiples time a day in the mirror in my bedroom. My closet doors were mirrors. I loved dancing in front of them pretending I was Baby Spice, but my mother used them to pick herself apart.

How much older than your father do I look?
I am getting chunky.
Wow, I look haggard.
I am ugly.

She would ask me questions that, as a young girl, I thought were weird. My mom has always been beautiful. Even if she was not my mom, I would think that. She confused me. Why did she not see what I saw?

Hearing my mother’s negative self-talk made me start to look at myself more critically. Where the kids at school right? I was tall, pale, and overweight. I did not really focus on this anymore. I was no longer being teased. I had friends now. I was happy. Or was it all a lie? My mom’s self-hate was contagious. The voice was probably born sometime around here when I was between eleven and twelve.

When my mom would stop eating, I wanted to lose weight her. I wanted boys at school to look at me the way grown men looked at her. When I was between thirteen and fifteen, my mother and I went through an ugly time together. We spent a lot of time eating lettuce and drinking Slim Fast. We were unhappy and constantly telling each other just how shitty we found ourselves to be.

I also picked up on her perfectionist qualities. Anything below an A in school (with the exception of math) was disgusting. I was not going to hold myself to the slacker standards of my peers. I struggled some nights between all my honors/AP classes and extra-curricular activities. I wanted to be fresh and creative to teachers regardless of how long I had to spend on the assignment.

The thing about the voice is: I never was able to make myself happy. No grade was good enough. No compliment was true. No report card filled me with pride. No matter what I did. I was not enough. I always had to be better….but I never actually thought I was better.

Same as my mother, I hit a point when nothing mattered anymore. I graduated and decided to not go to college. I worked for a fast food place instead. I consigned myself to eating and working for barely over minimum wage. I hated myself and wanted to torture myself because I thought living that way was what I deserved.

For almost three years, I have been working on accepting myself. I came out of a major depression and have slowly started to work on things, like that little voice.

Having a child of my own has been a big part of why I want to fix my real flaw. It will not matter if i’m fat, skinny, average, beautiful, or ugly. What will affect my son is how I feel about myself and what I do with my life. I do not want to teach him insecurities and self-hate.

As I approach the end of my first full semester of community college, I am proud. I do not have straight As and, for once, I am alright with that. I worked hard for a steady 3.5, but I did not let the pressure of school, my family, and the little voice get to me. Yes, I had days that I felt like a moron. There were also days I told myself to drop all of my classes because I would never be able to obtain a degree. However, I was able to ignore those thoughts. I was able to push through and, for the first time in maybe…ever, I feel proud of myself. Long ago, I let the voice dominate me. Now I know that even though I will never be perfect, I can still be the most amazing me. (and it may sound cheesy but it’s a big step for me!)