Small Steps

16 Dec

someecard

I drag my exhausted body into the house. Looking around the disheveled living room, I shake my head and sink into the nearest chair. I feel the anxiety in my chest rising. My heart is starting to race. I can hear an echo in my ears. I can feel a lump in my throat.
I am thinking about the next few days. The stress of the upcoming holidays. The waiting. I am always waiting for something better. My mouth becomes dry. I stand up and pace. My mind locks on to one thought. I look over at my husband and he already knows what is happening.

Fifteen minutes later, I slowly unwrap the brown greasy bag. I take out a item that is less like food and more like a drug. I shovel it in my mouth. There really is no taste. I am not eating this for the taste; I am eating this for the fix, the high, the ability to focus on something else.
The bag is empty. My hands shine with grease and my face shines with guilt. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed. My chest seems to be pounding again. My mouth hangs half open. How do I let things get to this?

After a binge, I want to restrict. I want to purge. I want to feel clean again. Or…I keep bingeing. I temporarily give up on myself.
Friday was difficult. I wanted to run more than the 3 miles my training required. I wanted to head to the gym. I wanted to eat only 900 calories. I tried to push these thoughts away. Restricting will only lead to a binge. Bineging more will just make me feel worse.

I was able to moderately eat and only do my training run. I was proud. I came out on the other side of a binge. I did not slide downhill for a few days, nor did I starve myself for a few days.

Yesterday, I ran my week 3 long run. I did 7.05 miles in 69 minutes. I was able to enjoy a cupcake, guilt-free, afterwards. I am trying to not let stress control my eating habits, but it is easier said than done. I have been focusing for almost three-years on fixing myself, but I do know a lot of it is mental. I eat to relieve the stress I feel over things I feel I cannot control. I eat to relieve myself of the obscene standards I place upon myself. I eat when I fail….or when I think I have failed.

Point of this post: this is one of the first times I can remember NOT letting one binge control me and alter my next few days or weeks. Progress is progress. I have to remember to be proud of the small things.

I add memes to lighten up a serious sounding post...

I add memes to lighten up a serious sounding post…

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6 Responses to “Small Steps”

  1. aleksandrol December 16, 2012 at 10:22 am #

    See what binge eating for what it really is.. You’re hurting your body. Do you want to continue hurting your body, or grow and become the best you can?

    • runnerheather December 16, 2012 at 10:34 am #

      I know what binge eating is and I do know that it is bad for me. This post is acknowledging that it is bad for me. Past post I have typed out acknowledges this too. No one with this eating disorder actually thinks it is good for them. And I would argue that I am growing and everyday I am becoming better. For me to only have one bad meal and now let it take over and become something bigger, that is growing and recovering. No one becomes perfect overnight. This is the biggest hurdle for most people to conquer. I accept that I must take small steps, every single day, to become constantly better. (:

  2. The Landy December 16, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

    Congratulations…feel proud!

  3. Brittany December 17, 2012 at 9:08 am #

    Awesome post!! I love that you overcame the beast. I can attest that it’s easier to fall down the slide than to climb up, but you did it! Awesome job on the 7miler too!

  4. The Silver Poet December 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    processing our emotional triggers is so arduous and scary that many of us NEVER choose to do it… good on YOU x

  5. livesatisfied December 20, 2012 at 5:44 am #

    Great post! overeating is always a difficult thing in this world. Our views on portion size is so skewed. It is great that you are so personal on your blog. Really inspirational!

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