Die Hard: As in Old Habits, Not the Movies.

30 Nov

There are no memes, no attempts at jokes, nothing smiley or funny about this post tonight. I am worried. I am starting to see some habits developing again and I am desperately trying to stop them. I want to be done with some of my undesirable behaviors. I want to be physically and mentally happy.

Whenever I start to feel out of control, I grasp to something and become obsessed with it. When I was younger, it was school. When I was a teenager, it was writing and self-mutilation .When I was between 16-18, it was my first job. Then, I went a couple of years filling the void and trying to fix my lack of control in ways that I do not want to talk about at this time.  When I started my healthy lifestyle change, I slowly discovered a new way to feel in control: exercise.

I had used cycles of purging and starving in the past to feel in control, but I had never really seen exercise as something I could take control of. The summer of last year changed that for me. I had put some weight back on after a car accident. I had problems with my left knee all spring. I felt broken, but it all changed in the summer. I started to go to the gym. Then, I progressed to running to the gym and then doing an hour of cardio at the gym. Then, I started running to the gym and doing almost two hours of cardio (and some strength training) only to run back home. I was a mad woman, but I loved it. I thought I was in control of my body. I was able to eat minimal amounts and exercise away my pains, fears, and uncertainty. The added attention from people noticing my changing body helped me feel better also.

This week I have worked out harder than I should have. I did more cardio and did not eat enough. I am looking back at my food log (via MyFitnessPal) and see the biggest deficits I have seen since January. I had to stop myself from doing more cardio today. I did an hour Tuesday and an hour Wednesday. Each of those days, I also did New Rules of Lifting for Women. Today, I did New Rules again and immediately went to the cardio section to hop on the Arc trainer. Since my son did not come with me to the gym, I did not have a two hour maximum to abide by. After twenty minutes, I recognized the need building inside of me. I wanted to do an hour of the Arc and then do some intervals on either the crossramp or the stairclimber, even though I was already sore and tired. I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it. I can do all that cardio. Fuck those people who stole my running shoes. Fuck my husband’s jokes. Fuck my grandmother mocking what I choose to eat. But after thirty-seven minutes on the Arc trainer, I pried myself off of it. I could barely walk from three hard workout days in a row.

Realizing these old patterns re-emerging made me start to look at my life right now. What is making me feel so out of control? What is making me feel so empty? I need to take a step back. I need to look at the thing going on in my life right now. I need to focus on what is upsetting me instead of finding another way to cover it up.

I need to keep trying to grow and become healthy in my head and heart. Not just around my waistline.

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2 Responses to “Die Hard: As in Old Habits, Not the Movies.”

  1. fitnessaficionada November 30, 2012 at 7:44 am #

    It takes a lot of guts to admit that kind of stuff to yourself, much less share it with others! But the good thing is, once you admit it, you can start making changes to be happier! Changing our thought patterns is hard, yet powerful — I hope you find mental peace! You sound like one strong lady, just keep at it one day at a time!

  2. The Landy December 1, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    Set yourself some short term goals maybe, perhaps you have? They will give you something to control!

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