Who Am I?

7 Nov

I am Heather.

I used to not have a lot to say about myself. I lived for fast food places and secret candy stashes. I hated myself and hid from most of the world. I spent the majority of my time being embarrassed and feeling sorry for myself. I was a sad individual.
Then, everything changed for me. I discovered that I was worth something. I wanted to be an amazing mother, wife, and person. I wanted to live life, not live for my next meal.

What made me change? A few things actually. No one wakes up overnight and says, “Hey, being obese sucks.” Every overweight person knows that being overweight is terrible on a person physically, aesthetically, mentally, and emotionally.

My messed up relationship with food started when I was ten. I had put on some weight and every little brat at school noticed. This somehow led to me sneaking sleeves of Ritz crackers into my room when my mom was not looking. I would eat the whole sleeve and the bad feelings were temporarily quelled. I put on quite a few pounds rapidly. Then, to make an increasingly bad situation worse. puberty hit. I was an emotional and physical wreck. I was taunted by others, insecure, and bleeding all over the place. I felt as if I was living in the Dark Ages.
What does any fat thirteen year old girl do the summer before high school? That is right, I starved myself. I had a stationary bike in my bedroom and spent all day on that bike. I pedaled away almost forty pounds. A steady diet of slim fast for breakfast and lunch and a chicken salad at dinner helped me be skinny enough for high school.
However, my food problems were far from fixed.I thought I was better. I had defeated the headaches, the cravings, and, best of all, the fat. When I was sixteen, I got my first job. I worked for a fast food place for almost three years. By the time I left that job, I was almost two-hundred and twenty pounds and I had fully developed my binge eating disorder.
For the first couple “adult” years of my life, I was trapped in a cycle of starving and bingeing. I would eat well over 4,000 calories for one to three weeks and then I would feel disgusting and try to starve myself for one to three weeks. I ended up, by the time I found out I was pregnant, skyrocketing to two-hundred and fifty pounds.
I gained about twenty to thirty pounds throughout my pregnancy. When I started this lifestyle change, I was between 275-280 pounds. I was miserable. I had some minor health problems. I was pre-diabetic.
Even for  a women that stands tall-ish at five-foot-nine, I could no longer “carry my weight well”. I was wearing a triple XL shirt size and my size 24 jeans were too tight. But, initially, I did not lose weight for myself.
My first goal was to get back down to two-twenty five. I just wanted to be able to keep up with my newborn son. I wanted to be a mother, not a sedentary eating machine.

That journey started February (mid-to-late) of 2010, and I am happy to say that I have never seen a number past 225 on the scale. I have had my ups and my downs. I have learned (mainly the hard way) about so much about fitness and nutrition. I want to pay it forward. No one is stuck being a McFatty. This is not the story of a quick-fix diet. This is the story of a life, renewed.

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